David Maddox: Banking on tonight's game

Scotland and Iceland today take each other on in what may still be a crucial group 9 World Cup qualifier at Hampden.
But in reality this is a battle of the banking basement as the previous competitors for the “Best Small Country in Financial Services” now contest for "the biggest bailout."

Scotland, with its proud 300 plus year tradition as sound bankers, and Iceland, the Johnny come latelies of the banking world who turned small financial advice services into major banks in a decade, both ended up on the same scrapheap with their reputations in tatters.
So on April 1, the day we celebrate fools, it seems appropriate to assemble two world beating teams of politicians and bankers from the two countries who played their part in the dramatic matches of the last few months.

This is after all a grudge match for the Icelanders after Gordon Brown impounded their assets when their banks collapsed.

Scotland

Sponsor: The British taxpayer

Home ground: Hamstrung

Goalkeeper: Gordon Brown - Also captain and manager because he doesn't want anybody else to be in charge. Keeps annoying his team mates by referring to them as Team GB and going on about relocating to London in 2012. Perfect candidate for a keeper because he reckons he saved the world, although most people don't even think he can save himself.

Left back: Sir Peter Burt – As the creator of the apparently formidable HBOS team the veteran performer found he was not allowed to return to head the team sheet when it was sold off.

Right back (behind GB): Alistair Darling - Keeps going off to the corner flag and muttering about the worst season since the 1930s. Only useful for bringing on the half time oranges to feed the hungry bankers.

Centre back: Sir James Crosby – Former HBOS team captain, hand picked by Brown to shore up the defence but had too many long lunches and waived the attackers through, arguing that the less defenders tackle the less goals they concede.

Centre back: Sir George Mathewson - Architect of the RBS team hailed as the best ever, until it was discovered it had been taking performance enhancing credit. Not wanted by the HBOS team, but he still is allowed to play in Alex Salmond’s five aside team.

Right whinger: David Cameron – Qualifies through his Scottish grandfather (the one he doesn’t like to mention to his English club mates). Always complaining that he should be the captain. His tactics involve sitting on the sidelines doing nothing in the belief that it will turn the season around.

Left whinger: Alex Salmond - GB would prefer him left back far away. Keeps wandering out of position and trying to wrestle the captain's armband off GB. Dazzles everybody with his twinkle toe moves on spivs and speculators, but then ends up firing the ball into his own net - known as the "open goal mouth technique."

Holding player: Sir Tom McKillop – When the chips are down it is said (by UK government sources) the former RBS chairman can always play keepy uppy with the money just long enough for his old team mates to walk away with it in their pockets. Just ask Sir Fred.

Playmaker: Andy Hornby – Became a crowd pleaser with captivating play that seemed too good to be true in his quest to take HBOS to world glory. Unfortunately it was and his bank became the Accrington Stanley of finance rather than the Manchester United. Now on a loan spell at Lloyds.

(Too far) Forward: Jim "April" Faulds – Former Dunfermline BS captain was fed up with safe mid-table obscurity so changed sport to appeal to a new commercial market. Fell flat on his face and complained loudly when Alistair Darling wouldn’t come over with a large sack of oranges to revive him.

Striker: Sir Fred Goodwin – Former RBS top shot is happiest when he is firing (other people). Likes to play an expansive game. Unfortunately currently without a club after he mortgaged its assets on a has-been Dutch international, but still commands a huge salary.

Stuck on the bench: Vince Cable – graduated in Glasgow and is recognised as the only player around who knows what to do. But his team mates won’t let him on the pitch because his Lib Dem club play too far down the divisions and may not even get European qualification in Scotland in the election in June.

Iceland

Sponsor: Previously Icesave otherwise known as British savers, but more recently the Russian Government.

Home ground: Wreck’ya’bank

Goalkeeper: Geir Hilmar Haarde - dumped as Prime Minister of Iceland after dropping the financial ball in 2008, not even able to save his own country let alone the world.

Left but not back: Björgvin Sigurðsson - Iceland’s first trade minister was the only one to do the honourable thing and quit the team.

Central defence: Jon Sigurdsson - as Iceland Financial Services Authority’s chairman he took a similar view to defence as Sir James Crosby, except with less tackling.

Playmaker: David "playing the odds" Oddsson (Capt) – as prime minister he orchestrated the team’s expansionist style and then as central bank governor he organised the non-tackling defence. Amazingly, was still miffed when dropped from the team sheet.

Central Midfield: Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson – Chairman of the now nationalised Landsbanki, Iceland’s biggest bank, but fortunately knows a bit more about football as the owner of West Ham United.

Diamond geezer formation: Sigurdur Einarsson, Kaupthing bank chairman; Kjartan Gunnarsson, vice chairman of Landsbanki; Larus Welding, Glitnir bank chief executive; and Thorsteinn M. Jonsson, chairman of Glitnir - Impressed the world with their intricate passing of money until people realised that it wasn’t only the ball that was full of air.



Playing in the hole: Paul Carter – Leader of Kent County Council gained residency status for the Icelandic team by leaving £50m of taxpayers’ cash in the country for years even after he was told to get out.

Sweeper: Björk – bringing in a new broom, the pop singer is clearly the only talented player on the park because she does not have any background in finance or politics. Reinvented herself as a venture capitalist to save her country from oblivion, but is likely to walk away with the ball because she does not want Iceland to play internationally any more.

Final result: They both lost.

David Maddox: Offside MP - the evidence

Following previous posts on the Steamie regarding how fundamentalism and gradualism in the SNP ranks appears to have gravitated to football from a previous divide over a referendum, I have been sent picture evidence of Western Isles MP Angus MacNeil's gradualist tendencies.

If you look carefully at the team picture above of the GB Parliament team against the US Embassy you will see Mr MacNeil hiding on the back row fourth from the left. Quite a serious let down for his party's opposition to a GB team in the 2012 London Olympics.

My contact who sent me this speculated that Mr MacNeil, more famous for reporting Tony Blair to the police for cash for honours, may get "excommunicated shortly" for his backsliding.

As mentioned previously, others have taken a more principled stand, not least Scottish Government party spin doctor Will McLeish, who as a student footballer turned down the opportunity to take part in the GB team.

Gerri Peev: MP off-side on football debate

Entertaining debate this morning raised by the SNP's Pete Wishart on the rights - or should I say wrongs - of a Team GB football squad.

The SNP's Angus MacNeil, tried to be helpful to his colleague's argument by saying: "I wonder whether any Portuguese Members of Parliament are looking for unification with Spain for an Iberian team. I would not think so."

Perhaps, then, he can explain why he is playing for the unified UK parliament's football team, who will meet the US Embassy's side next week?

On a more serious point, during the same debate, Mark Field, the Tory representing the bankers in the City of London, said that the idea of a Team GB was to part of a plot by the Prime Minister to "disguise the fact" that he is a Scot.

And he also warned that Brown's Scottishness would be used against him at the next general election:

Field said: "He represents or is from a country of 4.5 million people out of 60 million. That will be very evident as time goes on. I would not have wished to make that argument before 1997, but his Government have brought it on themselves. It will resonate loudly during the next general election campaign—very regrettably, in my view."

Regardless of where one stands on the constitutional or political debate, for an immigrant such as this correspondent, it is uncomfortable to think that one's nationality should ever be used against them.

David Maddox: A question of values

While much of the world has been gripped by the events leading up to the inauguration of the USA's first black president, most of the rest have been engrossed in the week's other the big story - Manchester City's offer to buy a young Brazilian called Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite, otherwise known as Kaka (pictured), a former world footballer of the year, for £108 million from AC Milan.
So what better time for a delegation of journalists from the Italian region of Lombardy (capital city: Milan) to visit the Scottish Parliament? There is no shortage of football mad MSPs, so when they arrive on Thursday they will no doubt have to field some questions about this subject of world importance.
But the saga does raise some interesting questions about values - both monetary and political. Not least because Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, the owner of AC Milan, dashed back from the Gaza Peace summit to deal with the world record breaking transfer deal and to try to placate angry Rossoneri (AC Milan fans).
While Edinburgh recently saw hundreds on the streets protesting about Israel's bombardment of Gaza, hundreds protested for the last two nights in Milan about Kaka's possible departure. It's a question of priorities and serves as a lesson to never under-estimate the powerful mix of football, sport and politics.
However, the affair poses the inevitable question of what £108 million would be worth. After all spending so much on a luxury does seem a bit distasteful in the current economic climate.
Kaka is well known for his devout Christian faith so the Church of Scotland may be pleased it could just afford him with its annual collection plate take of £108 million (2007 figures).
The sum would also build around 20 primary schools or one seventeenth of a new Forth Bridge.
Manchester City were apparently proposing to pay the 26-year-old £26 million a year. So one Kaka is roughly the equivalent of 945 teachers (based on current average pay), assuming there were any jobs for them in Scotland, or 455 MSPs (let's face it 129 are more than enough!), 290 GPs, 345 dentists or 27 failed banking chiefs (based on former HBOS chief executive Andy Hornby's basic salary).
But, while these analogies are always drawn when the latest story about an exhorbatant transfer fee for a footballer comes around, we have to remember that we still live in a market economy, even if our banks are being nationalised, and it is the market (which is morally neutral) that decides the value of jobs.
No doubt, though, in the ever decreasing circles of the debate in Scotland over how to fund capital projects, the SNP would approve of Manchester City's plan to buy an asset using direct capital receipts from an oil fund. No PFI or borrowing here.
As I finish this blog, I hear the heartening (for a Milan fan rather than a Man City one) news that Kaka and the AC Milan officials have decided to go with their hearts and, unusually in football, not follow the ridiculous sums of money. The deal with Manchester City is off, but no doubt the young man can comfort himself with his £9 million annual salary set to increase to £12 million by 2013.
And just to underline the importance of sport to the careers of politicians, Mr Berlusconi has announced the details on national television, most of which he owns anyway.