David Maddox: Banking on tonight's game

Scotland and Iceland today take each other on in what may still be a crucial group 9 World Cup qualifier at Hampden.
But in reality this is a battle of the banking basement as the previous competitors for the “Best Small Country in Financial Services” now contest for "the biggest bailout."

Scotland, with its proud 300 plus year tradition as sound bankers, and Iceland, the Johnny come latelies of the banking world who turned small financial advice services into major banks in a decade, both ended up on the same scrapheap with their reputations in tatters.
So on April 1, the day we celebrate fools, it seems appropriate to assemble two world beating teams of politicians and bankers from the two countries who played their part in the dramatic matches of the last few months.

This is after all a grudge match for the Icelanders after Gordon Brown impounded their assets when their banks collapsed.

Scotland

Sponsor: The British taxpayer

Home ground: Hamstrung

Goalkeeper: Gordon Brown - Also captain and manager because he doesn't want anybody else to be in charge. Keeps annoying his team mates by referring to them as Team GB and going on about relocating to London in 2012. Perfect candidate for a keeper because he reckons he saved the world, although most people don't even think he can save himself.

Left back: Sir Peter Burt – As the creator of the apparently formidable HBOS team the veteran performer found he was not allowed to return to head the team sheet when it was sold off.

Right back (behind GB): Alistair Darling - Keeps going off to the corner flag and muttering about the worst season since the 1930s. Only useful for bringing on the half time oranges to feed the hungry bankers.

Centre back: Sir James Crosby – Former HBOS team captain, hand picked by Brown to shore up the defence but had too many long lunches and waived the attackers through, arguing that the less defenders tackle the less goals they concede.

Centre back: Sir George Mathewson - Architect of the RBS team hailed as the best ever, until it was discovered it had been taking performance enhancing credit. Not wanted by the HBOS team, but he still is allowed to play in Alex Salmond’s five aside team.

Right whinger: David Cameron – Qualifies through his Scottish grandfather (the one he doesn’t like to mention to his English club mates). Always complaining that he should be the captain. His tactics involve sitting on the sidelines doing nothing in the belief that it will turn the season around.

Left whinger: Alex Salmond - GB would prefer him left back far away. Keeps wandering out of position and trying to wrestle the captain's armband off GB. Dazzles everybody with his twinkle toe moves on spivs and speculators, but then ends up firing the ball into his own net - known as the "open goal mouth technique."

Holding player: Sir Tom McKillop – When the chips are down it is said (by UK government sources) the former RBS chairman can always play keepy uppy with the money just long enough for his old team mates to walk away with it in their pockets. Just ask Sir Fred.

Playmaker: Andy Hornby – Became a crowd pleaser with captivating play that seemed too good to be true in his quest to take HBOS to world glory. Unfortunately it was and his bank became the Accrington Stanley of finance rather than the Manchester United. Now on a loan spell at Lloyds.

(Too far) Forward: Jim "April" Faulds – Former Dunfermline BS captain was fed up with safe mid-table obscurity so changed sport to appeal to a new commercial market. Fell flat on his face and complained loudly when Alistair Darling wouldn’t come over with a large sack of oranges to revive him.

Striker: Sir Fred Goodwin – Former RBS top shot is happiest when he is firing (other people). Likes to play an expansive game. Unfortunately currently without a club after he mortgaged its assets on a has-been Dutch international, but still commands a huge salary.

Stuck on the bench: Vince Cable – graduated in Glasgow and is recognised as the only player around who knows what to do. But his team mates won’t let him on the pitch because his Lib Dem club play too far down the divisions and may not even get European qualification in Scotland in the election in June.

Iceland

Sponsor: Previously Icesave otherwise known as British savers, but more recently the Russian Government.

Home ground: Wreck’ya’bank

Goalkeeper: Geir Hilmar Haarde - dumped as Prime Minister of Iceland after dropping the financial ball in 2008, not even able to save his own country let alone the world.

Left but not back: Björgvin Sigurðsson - Iceland’s first trade minister was the only one to do the honourable thing and quit the team.

Central defence: Jon Sigurdsson - as Iceland Financial Services Authority’s chairman he took a similar view to defence as Sir James Crosby, except with less tackling.

Playmaker: David "playing the odds" Oddsson (Capt) – as prime minister he orchestrated the team’s expansionist style and then as central bank governor he organised the non-tackling defence. Amazingly, was still miffed when dropped from the team sheet.

Central Midfield: Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson – Chairman of the now nationalised Landsbanki, Iceland’s biggest bank, but fortunately knows a bit more about football as the owner of West Ham United.

Diamond geezer formation: Sigurdur Einarsson, Kaupthing bank chairman; Kjartan Gunnarsson, vice chairman of Landsbanki; Larus Welding, Glitnir bank chief executive; and Thorsteinn M. Jonsson, chairman of Glitnir - Impressed the world with their intricate passing of money until people realised that it wasn’t only the ball that was full of air.



Playing in the hole: Paul Carter – Leader of Kent County Council gained residency status for the Icelandic team by leaving £50m of taxpayers’ cash in the country for years even after he was told to get out.

Sweeper: Björk – bringing in a new broom, the pop singer is clearly the only talented player on the park because she does not have any background in finance or politics. Reinvented herself as a venture capitalist to save her country from oblivion, but is likely to walk away with the ball because she does not want Iceland to play internationally any more.

Final result: They both lost.

David Maddox: Why does Labour appear to revel in the economic ruin of other countries?

The answer to the above question is simple- it always applies to countries in the SNP's famous Arc of Prosperity.
Of course, the downfall of Iceland, Ireland et al (with possible exception of Norway) allows them to say that all the models the SNP have for an independent Scotland have proven to be hopelessly flawed and simply underlines the point that Scotland is better off in the Union.
Admittedly, the SNP has been made to look silly for playing up these countries as models of economic paradise for small nations. The success stories are still on the SNP website.
But, there does seem to be a gloating note in Labour press releases, which if I were Icelandic or Irish I might feel a bit miffed about. One always gets the feeling that they are itching for Norway to go under too. There was the incident involving the anti-terror laws and Icelandic assets too.


The latest press release came today undeer the name of Labour Dumfries and Galloway MP Russell Brown (pictured right) entitled: Arc of insolvency continues to embarrass Salmond.
In it he notes that interest rates in Iceland have today been cut to 17%.
“The fact that interest rates in Iceland are 34 times higher than in Scotland shows that we benefit from being part of the UK," he said.
“It’s not that big countries are immune from the world financial crisis – look at America – but big countries have the strength to weather the storm better.
“Today’s news is another embarrassment for Alex Salmond and his arc of insolvency. His belief that Scotland should be more like Iceland is utter nonsense.”

Given the appalling mess we find ourselves across the world, a little more solidarity with smaller countries might not go amiss.

David Maddox: Warm front from Iceland

The last thing we heard about Iceland was that its banking system had collapsed taking with it many Brits' savings and large chunks of money belonging to UK councils.
Of course, it is hard to forget that our government's (UK version) reaction to this was to freeze Icelandic assets using anti-terror laws against this peaceful country of 320,000 people. You may recall that it did not go well.
So while Iceland has been removed from the SNP list of "how to be a successful small country," Icelanders are also not exactly well disposed to anything British. Or are they?
It seems that even in this time of economic strife the Icelanders have found a spot in their hearts for Britain, in particular our pensioners.
So as I write a ship load of thousands of warm woolly jumpers and other items of clothing is sailing to Hull to help keep Britain's pensioners warm this winter.
After all, they may not know about banking, although nor do we any more, but the Icelanders are international experts on fish and the cold (see picture on the right).
Apparently an appeal was launched by two radio DJs - Heimir Karlsson and Kolbrun Bjornsdottir - after they covered a story featuring Britain's National Pensioners Convention (NPC), and their warning that up to 1 in 12 pensioners may die this winter due to the drop in temperature because they cannot pay their fuel bills (as the Age Concern advert below left highlights). They were even more shocked to hear that 260,000 pensioners died of the cold in Britain over the last decade, which is most of their population.
Clearly under the probably correct impression that we were too poor or too mean to look after our old folk properly the appeal attracted thousands of items. One nine-year-old girl gathered 37 beautiful sweaters and delivered it to them at the radio station.
As Mr Karlsson put it: "I am sure I speak on behalf of every living soul in Iceland when I say that we looked at it with an utter dismay and total disbelief, how badly the government of the United Kingdom treats its old people.
"The elderly deserve to live their last years enjoying the best of care. They deserve to live in warm housing, free from worries over cold and rising gas bills. The Icelandic people heard about how terribly the UK government treats the pensioners, and could not just do nothing about it!"
Touche Mr Brown!