David Maddox: Going nuts

You can almost hear the chants - "British trees for British squirrels" - wildcat strikes and questions in the House over whether Britain should withdraw from parts of the European Union treaties that allow unfettered freedom to roam to foreign immigrant squirrels.

But the demands may not be in vain. One of the highlights of the Scottish ministerial diary this week is the launch of the first national project to "Save Scotland's Squirrels" tomorrow. (Yes, it's that sort of pre-recess week.)
As aficionados of the bushy tailed vermin will know, this is not about rescuing any ordinary squirrel, but the native British red from the wicked greys which have "invaded" the British Isles.

Indeed, as these pictures reveal the reds are really up against it if they hope to throw back the invaders.

However, I understand that the Scottish Government is not proposing a re-armament strategy.

Putting aside the fact that no squirrels will be present tomorrow out of fear that the speech from Environment Minister Mike Russell may turn the red ones grey, the whole squirrel issue has some neat parallels in modern Scottish politics.

Other than the angry workers on strike under the "British jobs for British workers" banner, there is also a Celtic synergy with the oppressed reds which appeals to the Nationalist heart.

I have heard at least one SNP politician muse that the gradual pushing back of the reds to the fringes of the British Isles is not too dissimilar to the injustice inflicted on the Celts by the Anglo-Saxon hoards as they colonised much of Britain.

This 2005 map from Scottish Natural Heritage shows just how serious the matter has become. The grey and red areas are self explanatory.

Yet this 1998 map perhaps shows that there is hope that differences can be settled and the different parties can co-exist in a Union. The orange areas show where the two varieties live side-by-side, not least in Scotland's central belt.

But perhaps the greys are not the real enemy. To the British wildlife lovers, they may be as popular as an Italian worker at a Lincolnshire refinery, but they have been in Britain since 1929, which means many generations of greys have grown up as British.

And last year it was revealed that a "mutant, testosterone loaded" black variety of squirrel is wiping out both reds and greys. So perhaps the Scottish red in this picture should watch out.