What is my cat up to? By Shane Langan

Leaving Dublin for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I find myself torn. I can’t quite get excited about my impending adventure. I live alone with Beetroot, my pet cat of three years and I know that I will find it difficult to enjoy my few weeks in Scotland knowing that he is at home in my flat alone.

I asked him if he’d like to come with me. There was room in the flat for him and I wouldn’t ask him to flyer or anything. He could just do his own thing during the day and then we could meet up after my show or something. If he thought that he’d feel left out or bored, then he’d be more than welcome to tech my show if he liked, bringing up the lights and keeping the microphone levels correct. I’d even give him a credit on my flyers. I just wanted him to be there, with me.

He refused to give me a straight answer at first, constantly putting off booking flights and changing the subject whenever I brought it up. Finally he told me that he wasn’t coming, that he had lost his passport and that he had too much work to do anyway.

But I now know this to be untrue. While doing the dishes I found his passport tucked away behind the cups, carefully hidden. And I know that he doesn’t have too much work to do because he’s a cat and doesn’t have a job. What has he got planned for while I’m away? Who does he plan to have over? I don’t think this is going to be a great month for me; I won’t be able to concentrate.

Shane Langan: Not Also, But Only is at the Gilded Balloon Teviot, 2pm, until 31 August.