Review of an imaginary musical

The cast of Showstopper!: The Improvised Musical asked our comedy critic Kate Copstick to write a review of an imaginary show, which they would then create from scratch. Unfortunately, she had to do it right after seeing Kim Noble. Here's what happened, in her own words...

Thursday am: I am putting the final touches to my review for Showstopper! I have to review a musical which does not exist, but one I'd like to see. I have written a storyline which I feel will resonate with an intelligent audience, being one where the vapid blonde soprano doesn't get the man. As a matter of fact the older, brunette with a voice not unlike Fischer Diskau at his height does.

Thursday 6.20pm: I arrive at Assembly to review Kim Noble's show Kim Noble Will Die.

7.20pm: I am in an alleyway beside Assembly, bereft of words, dizzy, on the brink of tears, thrilled and, for one of the very few times in my life, just wanting a hug.

7.35pm: Assembly Bar. The doyenne of Edinburgh PRs, Liz Smith, buys me a large Jaegermeister and sits while I stumble and stutter and gaze at my knuckles and attempt to describe the show adequately.

7.50pm: I am panicking because I cannot get any enthusiasm up for anything that isn't climbing Arthur's Seat with a bottle of something serious and gazing at the stars while I consider... stuff. But I have to get my West End Wendy frock on.

10pm: As I arrive at George Square Theatre the cast are warming up. I can feel my fillings loosen as I lurk at the back of the space. I am clutching my review. This is how it reads...

The show within a show is a classic conceit and in this wonderful new musical it is used to maximum effect. The first scene is absolutely electrifying – two bodies in the throes of passion – it is like opening of Frankie and Johnny in the Claire de Lune adapted by Kander and Ebb. Or indeed the opening of Steven Sondheim’s Passion- but without the unintentional comic effect of Michael Ball trying to look heterosexual.

I really don’t know how the two had enough breath left to sing. But somehow they did. The onstage chorusline of voyeurs is a clever nuance and the Fosse-esque choreography enhances the scene like amyl nitrate enhances a quickie. Only then do we discover that this is only a rehearsal. A young and unfeasibly good-looking musical theatre company from Newcastle is bringing their make-or-break production to the Edinburgh Festival. Everything hinges on a success here. You can smell their desperation. “Oh God we need five stars,” they sing “We really need five stars.” The quasi-documentary style of the piece is something wholly new to musical theatre. Their production of Do I Hear A Little Night Passion As We Roll Along or Am I Losing My Mind opens tonight and the most feared critic in Edinburgh is coming to review.

She is a chain-smoking hard drinking woman – a hardcore version of Anne Bancroft in The Graduate with a voice like Elaine Stritch on steroids. The director of the show – a man so camp he has to have guy ropes to hold him down in a high wind – will not see his production fall victim to an embittered old crone and despatches his leading man – a young stud, of striking physical beauty and prowess – to ‘take one for the team’ (one of the most moving songs in the show) and get the critic onside. As it were.

The young man’s on and offstage lover – a stunningly beautiful, young blonde soprano with a vocal range of three octaves and an emotional range of f*** all is, of course, devastated. But somehow, we just don’t care. The young man and the critic meet in another electric scene and the growing passion between the two is the heart of this terrific little show. Musically, the scene where the entire cast are on-stage singing a complex ensemble piece while the young man sings a counter-duet with the critic in the audience is the high point. In many ways reminiscent of Traviata Act 2 Scene 2 – and I have no greater praise than that. The love affair is, of course, doomed to failure. The critic doesn’t want a plaything. The revelation that all she really wants is to be in a musical results in the shows brilliant closing scene – a glorious affirmation that dreams can come true.

10.25pm: I decide that lipstick would be more showbizzy so I disappear to the loos to apply some Stayfast. My lips are now an alarming shade of scarlet and, should the bomb drop tonight, would be the only things except cockroaches and Jonathan Ross's ego to survive.

10.50pm: The show starts. I notice my chest is blushing a reather unattractive shade of puce. That happens when I am nervous. But my review gets laughs. Dangerous. I begin to consider a return to performing. The cast is unbelievably good. Brilliant, in fact. My musical unfolds and it is beyond my wildest expectations. I start to think they must have had prior notice of the plot and the numbers.

Then I remember I wrote the outline and I have shown no one a thing. I am having the time of my life. And actually get applauded for something that an awesomely talented cast have done. I accept the applause.

Midnight: I am penning a five star review ... words like talent, incredible, hilarious, unbelievable, stunning, litter the page along with Queen, bald, Jennifer Aniston, Geordie and steroids. I think of adding 'don't miss this show', but realise you already have. So I add, don't miss seeing Showstoppers ! You really mustn't.

2am Go to sleep dreaming of being in a musical with Kim Noble ...

Showstopper! The Improvised Musical is at Musical Theatre @ George Square, 10:50pm, until tomorrow.