Losing my festival virginity, by Wil Anderson

This year is my third visit to this amazing festival, but it seems a lifetime ago, way back in 1999, that I lost my Edinburgh virginity. And believe me, doing a show at The Fringe for the first time is a lot like “doing it” for the first time.

For starters, there is usually only one other person in the room. And much like the “first time” you are usually drunk, and quickly realise it’s nowhere near as easy as it looks in all those videos you watched on the internet.

I mean, sure, you are trying to make the other person feel as great as possible, but despite your various efforts most of the time your rhythm is completely out, and it’s awkward and disappointing.

There are whole routines that you blow prematurely and other jokes you can’t get up no matter how hard you try – although on the upside, if they just fake it you can’t tell the difference. (It certainly doesn’t help that the only two positions you are willing to try are mic in the stand, and mic out.)

In fact, looking back on it, the only real difference between my first festival show and the first time I made love was at my show they were paying me... Oh, and I did let my Mum and Dad come and watch my first show.

And Mum and Dad were about the only people who did come to the show. I was performing in a broom cupboard and I couldn’t even fill that.

On the opening night of my show Wilennium, only two people attended, and both were related to me, which meant there were technically taxi drivers bringing people to the venue who had bigger audiences than I did.

However, on the second night things really turned around for me when four people came to the show. Obviously the word was getting out there. The buzz was spreading. In fact, I thought, if I could have five tomorrow I would be outselling the cabbies. (Well except for those fancy ones with the maxi-taxis.)

Unfortunately it wasn’t to be, as I rocked up and was told I had no bookings at all and they were going to cancel the show. Oh well, you know what they say, if you only make one person laugh… you're probably doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe.


Wil Anderson – Wilosophy is at Underbelly’s Pasture, 8:50pm, until 31 August.